I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
