my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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