I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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