I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
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And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
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On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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