I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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