Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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