Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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