What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
