I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Houston, we have a squirter
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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