I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
