atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
