we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
