Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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