I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
