I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
