He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
