oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
