You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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