I want to make a zoo with you.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
