I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
