The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
