dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
