Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
