I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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