I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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