Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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