I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
