Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
