i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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