Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
