she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
