Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
