I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
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If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
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Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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