it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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