Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
