I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
