If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
