your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
