Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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