My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
