I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
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