i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
