He is an equal opportunity slut.
So many bounce houses so little time
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
