Can i not drive my cunt home
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
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I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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