1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
