I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
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I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
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Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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