A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
That's when you crack a 10am beer
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
