I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
