There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
