Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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