i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
