That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
