Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize