so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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