I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I am mentally ready for anal.
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