I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
