time to smoke my breakfast
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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