you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
ok first of all what the fuck
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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